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 Family
At
what point should a family in crisis seek outside help?
Some families
have trouble coping with life's inevitable crises. In these families
even relatively simple problems are not resolved but take on the appearance
and feel of major dilemmas. Thus, by their lack of successful coping
skills, these families create additional problems for themselves and
go from crisis to crisis, with little relief and little pleasure from
life or from one another.
Although we all
strive for perfection, there is no perfect family. Each family has
its own strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, challenges
and problems. If your family seems overwhelmed with problems, or if
there is a breakdown in relationships within your family, it is probably
time for outside help.
Stress points
Family
problems come in all shapes and sizes; some are short-lived and easily
managed, while others are more chronic and difficult to handle. Stress
points include events such as illness and injury, changing jobs, changing
schools, moving and financial difficulties. Each
family develops its own ways of coping with these stresses, some of
which work better than others.
Signs
of unsuccessful coping
Unsuccessful
coping can be recognized by a number of characteristics, including
the following:
-
Poor
communication. Family members either avoid talking with
one another, or have not learned how to listen well to what others
are trying to say through their words, expressions or actions.
-
Inability
to resolve conflicts and disagreements. This
usually occurs because family members avoid discussing problems
or even avoid admitting that problems exist. This allows the conflicts
to continue - which, while causing some discomfort and unhappiness,
allows the family to avoid what they see as the greater discomfort
of facing the problem. Some families just have not learned the skills
of negotiating or, for some other reason, cannot let go of bad or
hurt feelings. Children are likely to pattern their behavior after
their parents' behavior and may learn to refuse to talk about feelings
and problems.
-
Poor
problem-solving. Family
members have trouble deciding what problems really exist, who is
responsible, the options for solving them, and how the family can
agree upon an option and act upon it. There may not be agreement
on what the priorities are within the family.
-
Poor
division of responsibilities. Families
often have not decided how family responsibilities will be divided
among family members. When that happens, family life can become
chaotic, and many things do not get accomplished. At the other extreme,
some families are not flexible at all, and family members do not
help one another out or fairly reassign responsibilities as family
circumstances change.
-
Insufficient
emotional support. Families
are, especially for children, the most important source of emotional
support. During the middle years, children find it hard to obtain
this emotional support outside the family. Children do not perform
or develop well without this support.
-
Intolerance
of differences. Families
function best when the individuality of each family member is acknowledged
and appreciated. At the least, even if someone else's personal traits
or characteristics are not highly valued, each family member needs
to tolerate these traits and respect that individual. When family
members withhold love from one another because of personal differences,
children are likely to have a difficult time developing a healthy
self-image, and they will have low self-esteem and poor social skills.
-
Overdependency
on others. Children
need to succeed in order to feel capable of successfully managing
life's stresses and challenges. If they are taught or encouraged
to depend on others (within the family or outside it) to solve their
problems, they will have low self-esteem and limited initiative
and will have trouble succeeding in the world.
As a parent, your
task is to meet the multiple demands of family life with energy and
creativity. By doing so, you will enable your children to grow and
develop in positive, healthy ways and to experience satisfaction and
success.
Published online:
6/07
Source:
Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright ©
2003 American Academy of Pediatrics)
To order a copy of this book visit the AAP
Bookstore.
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The information
contained in this publication should not be used as a substitute for
the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations
in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual
facts and circumstances.
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