Self-Esteem
How
can we help our child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By
definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives
herself-in other words, her own thoughts and feelings about herself
and her ability to achieve in ways that are important to her. This
self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations,
but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people
in her life-how she is thought of and treated by parents, teachers
and friends. The closer her perceived self (how she sees herself)
comes to her ideal self (how she would like to be), the higher her
self-esteem.
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some
or all of the following characteristics:
A sense of
security.
Your child
must feel secure about herself and her future. ("What will become
of me?")
A sense of
belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning
with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates,
sports teams, a church or temple and even a neighborhood or community.
Without this acceptance or group identity, she may feel rejected,
lonely, and adrift without a "home," "family"
or "group."
A sense of
purpose.
Your child should have goals that give her purpose and direction and
an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression.
If she lacks a sense of purpose, she may feel bored, aimless, even
resentful at being pushed in certain directions by you or others.
A sense of
personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in her ability to meet the challenges
in her life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful
life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative
and getting results for her efforts. Setting appropriate expectations,
not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence
and confidence. If you are overprotecting her, and if she is too dependent
on you, or if expectations are so high she never succeeds, she may
feel powerless and incapable of controlling the circumstances in her
life.
A sense of
trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in herself. Toward this
goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child
opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child,
and treating her as an honest person.
A sense of
responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow
her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows
trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense
of faith.
A sense of
contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you
give her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful
way to an activity. Let her know that she really counts.
A sense of
making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when she is
able to make or influence decisions that she considers important.
These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for her age and
abilities, and for the family's values.
A sense of
self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, she
needs and wants to feel that she can make it on her own. Once you
give her expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test
herself, she can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences
of the actions she may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical
for her future growth.
A sense of
encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but she also needs positive
feedback and recognition - a real message that she is doing well,
pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise her,
not only for achieving a set goal but also for her efforts, and for
even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the
way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working
harder," "Good girl!") Give her feedback as soon as
possible to reinforce her self-esteem and to help her connect your
comments to the activity involved.
A sense of
accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when she makes
mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal
part of living and learning, and that she can learn or benefit from
them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition
of her effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame she
might be feeling, giving her renewed motivation and hope. Again, make
your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it
might help") and not negative and personal ("You are so
clumsy," "You'll never make it").
A sense of
family self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and
thus is influenced greatly by the feelings and perceptions that a
family has of itself. Some of the preceding comments apply to the
family in building its self-esteem. Also, bear in mind that family
pride is essential to self-esteem and can be nourished and maintained
in many ways, including participation or involvement in community
activities, tracing a family's heritage and ancestors, or caring for
extended family members. Families fare better when members focus on
each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for
one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in
and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show
their affection for each other. They make time for being together,
whether to share holidays, special events or just to have fun.
