• Be available. Make time in everyone's busy schedule to stop and talk about things. Even 10 minutes a day without distractions for you and your child to talk can make a big difference in forming good communication habits. Turn off the television or radio. Give your undivided attention to your child. Sit down and look at your child while you talk. Those few minutes a day can be of great value.
• Be a good listener. When you listen to your child, you help your child feel loved and valued. Ask your child about his feelings on a subject. If you are not clear about what your child is saying, repeat what you are hearing to be sure that you understand what your child is trying to say. You do not have to agree with what your child is saying to be a good listener. Sharing his thoughts with you helps your child calm down, so later he can listen to you.
• Show empathy. This means tuning in to your child's feelings and letting him know you understand. If your child is sad or upset, a gentle touch or hug may let him know that you understand those sad or bad feelings. Do not tell your child what he thinks or feels. Let him express those feelings. And be sure not to minimize these feelings by saying things like, "It's silly to feel that way," or "You'll understand when you get older." His feelings are real to him and should be respected.
• Be a good role model. Remember, children learn by example. Use words and tones in your voice that you want your child to use. Make sure that your tone of voice and what you do send the same message. For example, if you laugh when you say, "No, don't do that," the message will be confusing. Be clear in your directions. Once you get the message across, do not wear out your point. If you use words to describe your feelings, it will help your child to learn to do the same. When parents use feeling words, such as, "It makes me feel sad when you won't do what I ask you to do," instead of screaming or name calling, children learn to do the same.

• Give clear, age-appropriate directions such as, "When we go to the store I expect you to be polite and stay with me." Make sure your child understands what you have said. Sometimes children do not fully understand the meanings of words they hear and use.
• Praise your child whenever you can.
• Calmly communicate your feelings.
• Be truthful.
• Listen carefully to what your child says.
• Use your talking times as teachable moments – do not miss opportunities to show your child healthy communication.
• Model what you want your child to do – practice what you preach.
• Make sure that when you are upset with your child, she knows that it is her behavior that is the problem, not the child herself.

• Give broad, general instructions such as, "You'd better be good!"
• Name call or blame. "You are bad" should be replaced with "I don't like the way you are acting."
• Yell or threaten.
• Lie or tell your child half-truths.
• Use silence to express strong feelings. Long silences frighten and confuse children.

• Take a few deep breaths very slowly.
• Wait 5 minutes before starting to talk to your child.
• Try to find a word to label what you are feeling (such as "disappointment"). Say it to yourself and be sure that it is appropriate for you child.
• Share your feelings of frustration with your spouse or a friend.
• Do not hold grudges. Deal only with the present.
• Seek professional help if you feel that you have lost control.

Published online: 3/07
Source: Healthy Communication With Your Child (Copyright © 2003 American Academy of Pediatrics, Updated 9/03)

Parents can find more information on this topic in Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12. To order a copy of this book visit the AAP Bookstore.

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The information contained in this publication should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.