• Natural consequences. When a child sees the natural consequences of her actions, she experiences the direct results of her choices. (But be sure the consequences do not place her in any danger.) For example, if your child drops her cookies on purpose, she will not have cookies to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before your child learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.

  When you use this method, resist the urge to lecture your child or to rescue her (by getting more cookies, for example). Your child will learn best when she learns for herself and will not blame you for the consequences she receives.

• Logical consequences. Natural consequences work best, but they are not always appropriate. For example, if your child does not pick up her toys, they may be in the way. But chances are she will not care as much as you do. For older children, you will need to step in and create a consequence that is closely connected to her actions. You might tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, then you will put them away where she will not be allowed to play with them again for a whole day. Children less than 6 years of age need adult help picking up yet can be asked to assist with the task. If your child refuses your request for help, take her by the hand as you silently finish the job. This insistence that your child participate, along with your silence, becomes a clear consequence for your child.

  When you use this method, it is important that you mean what you say and that you are prepared to follow through immediately. Let your child know that you are serious. You do not have to yell and scream to do this. You can say it in a calm, matter-of-fact way.

• Withholding privileges. In the heat of the moment, you will not always be able to think of a logical consequence. That is when you may want to tell your child that, if she does not cooperate, she will have to give something up she likes. The following are a few things to keep in mind when you use this technique:
  • Never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
  • Choose something that your child values that is related to the misbehavior.
  • For children younger than 6 or 7 years of age, withholding privileges works best if done immediately following the problem behavior. For instance, if your young child misbehaves in the morning and you withhold television viewing for that evening, your child probably will not connect the behavior with the consequence.
  • Be sure you can follow through on your promise.

• Time-out. Time-out should be your last resort and you should use it only when other responses do not work. Time-outs work well when the behavior you are trying to punish is clearly defined and you know when it occurred. Time-outs also can be helpful if you need a break to stay calm. You can use a time-out with a child as young as 1 year old. Follow these steps to make a time-out work:
1. Choose a time-out spot. This should be a boring place with no distractions, such as a chair. Remember the main goal is to separate the child from the activity and people connected with the misbehavior. It should allow the child to pause and cool off. (Keep in mind that bathrooms can be dangerous and bedrooms may become playgrounds.) Decide which 2 or 3 behaviors will be punished with time-out and explain this to your child.
2. When your child does something she knows will result in a time-out, you may warn her once (unless it is aggression). If it happens again, send her to the time-out spot immediately. Tell her what she did wrong in as few words as possible. A rule of thumb is 1 minute of time out for every year of your child's age. (For example, a 4-year-old would get a 4-minute time-out.) But even 15 seconds will work. If your child will not go to the spot on her own, pick her up and carry her there. If she will not stay, stand behind her and hold her gently but firmly by the shoulders or restrain her in your lap and say, "I am holding you here because you have to have a time-out." Do not discuss it any further. It should only take a couple of weeks before she learns to cooperate and will choose to sit quietly rather than be held down for time-out.
3. Once your child is capable of sitting quietly, set a timer so that she will know when the time-out is over. If fussing starts again, restart the timer. Wait until your child stops protesting before you set the timer.
4. When the time is up, help your child return to a positive activity. Your child has "served her time." Do not lecture or ask for apologies. If you need to discuss her behavior, wait until later to do so.

• Be aware of your child's abilities and limitations. Children develop at different rates and have different strengths and weaknesses. When your child misbehaves, it may be that he simply cannot do what you are asking of him or he does not understand what you are asking.
• Think before you speak. Once you make a rule or promise, you will need to stick to it. Be sure you are being realistic. Think if it is really necessary before saying "no."
• Remember that children do what "works." If your child throws a temper tantrum in the grocery store and you bribe him to stop by giving him candy, he will probably throw another tantrum the next time you go. Make an effort to avoid reinforcing the wrong kinds of behavior, even with just your attention.
• Work toward consistency. No one is consistent all of the time. But try to make sure that your goals, rules, and approaches to discipline stay the same from day to day. Children find frequent changes confusing and often resort to testing limits just to find out what the limits are.
• Pay attention to your child's feelings. If you can figure out why your child is misbehaving, you are one step closer to solving the problem. It is kinder and helps with cooperation when you let your child know that you understand. For example, "I know you are feeling sad that your friend is leaving, but you still have to pick up your toys." Watch for patterns that tell you misbehavior has a special meaning, such as your child is feeling jealous. Talk to your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
• Learn to see mistakes—including your own—as opportunities to learn. If you do not handle a situation well the first time, don't despair. Think about what you could have done differently, and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

• It may seem to work at the moment, but it is no more effective in changing behavior than a time-out.
• Spanking increases children's aggression and anger instead of teaching responsibility.
• Parents may intend to stay calm but often do not, and regret their actions later.
• Because most parents do not want to spank, they are less likely to be consistent.
• Spanking makes other consequences less effective, such as those used at child care or school. Gradually, even spanking loses its impact.
• Spanking can lead to physical struggles and even escalate to the point of harming the child.
• Children who continue to be spanked are more likely to be depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, approve of and hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence as adults.
• These results make sense since spanking teaches the child that causing others pain is justified to control them—even with those they love.

Published online: 3/07
Source: Discipline and Your Child (Copyright © 1998 American Academy of Pediatrics, Updated 1/02)

Healthcare professionals may order this publication in multi-copy packs.
Parents can find more information on this topic in Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5. To order a copy of this book visit the AAP Bookstore.

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The information contained in this publication should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.