The 7 C's of Resilience - Control

Control

Control does not mean inflexible parental control, the "Do as I say because I'm the parent" style. We cannot and should not attempt rigid control of our children's actions, emotions, thoughts, or choices if we want them to become more resilient. When discussing control in the context of building children's resilience, it means their controlling their actions and therefore the outcomes.

Children who learn inner control by making decisions and facing the consequences gradually become more independent and ultimately more resilient. Children who understand that they have control over their lives take responsibility rather than blame others for problems and failures. Look at it from the opposite side-children who routinely blame someone or something else for adversity ("Why does that always happen to me? It's never my fault.") will not become resilient as long as they see themselves as victims; they will be passive in the face of difficulty. Resilient children understand that things don't just happen to them. They can be decision-makers and problem-solvers who control outcomes. Resilient kids also learn that delaying immediate gratification often leads to success at a long-term goal.

The development of resilience depends on parents' relinquishing tight control in favor of guidance, attention, and support so that children have opportunities to test their inner control. That is not to say that parents take a completely hands-off approach, of course. Parents can enhance children's growing sense of self-control by observing, offering a steadying hand, and guiding children rather than controlling their every action.

Parents can contribute to a child having control by:

1. Considering how controlling they should be as parents

2. Disciplining in a manner that teaches self-control and delayed gratification

3. Helping children trust their own decision-making skills

4. Helping children know when to take action and when to conserve their energy

The 7 C's of Resilience

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Excerpted from the AAP Patient Education brochure, "Helping Your Child Cope With Life" published by the American Academy of Pediatrics. Copyright © 2006 American Academy of Pediatrics. All rights reserved.