Balancing Online Safety and Independence: Parental Monitoring by Age

Question: Does parents' monitoring of children's online activities stifle independent decision-making? What is appropriate at different ages? 

Answer: Thank you for this great question! We’ll start by reviewing the research literature on parental monitoring and connection to youth behaviors, and then we’ll provide some concrete age-based suggestions.  

In general, parental monitoring includes three linked activities: 1) creating expectations for children’s behaviors, 2) having an action plan to monitor or keep track of children (eg, activities, locations, companions) and 3) responding consistently when children do not meet expectations or break rules or boundaries. These three activities work together so that children can understand what is expected of them, know how they will be accountable for following family expectations, and be aware of what happens if a rule is broken. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that parental monitoring in general is associated with reduced problem behavior during adolescence, such as a decreased risk for drinking alcohol, using drugs, or being involved in risky sexual behaviors.  

Parental monitoring also extends to technology use. This sort of monitoring can include all three linked activities of creating expectations, having a monitoring plan, and responding consistently. Setting expectations can include developing family rules for media use. Other options include using settings through an app on the child’s phone to limit time or activities, or setting app limits on the child’s phone. Monitoring technology use can include checking children’s online activities, keeping an eye on their internet browsing history, their call logs, or their messages. Establishing consequences is also important; options may include enforcing a break from technology for an amount of time. 

Much of the research on parental monitoring around technology describes these parenting approaches as either “restrictive” or “active”.  

• Restrictive monitoring typically refers to limiting the use of technology in an attempt to avoid perceived negative impacts before they occur.  
• Active monitoring typically refers to helping adolescents understand technology and what they might be seeing and experiencing.  

Overall, this research often finds that adolescents’ media use and behaviors differ based on what type of monitoring they experience from their parents. While there isn’t a lot of research available about independent decision-making specifically, there are studies on autonomy – an essential task of adolescence in which teens start to think and behave independently as they separate from their parents and find their own identity. 

Elementary School Aged Children: 

One study of 1,323 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders found that parental monitoring of media (setting time limits on TV and video games, setting limits on content such as violent content, and active discussion of media had positive impacts on the children.  

• Parental monitoring was associated with less time spent on screens and less exposure to violent content.  
• Further, children who spent less time on screens and less time viewing violent content demonstrated better sleep, school performance, and prosocial behaviors, and less aggressive behaviors.  

Middle and High School Students: 

A study on 227 U.S. parents of middle school students found that parents using restrictive monitoring strategies were more likely to describe their children as using the internet in problematic ways. This study also found that parents reporting close family relationships (strong parent-child communication) and involvement saw less adolescent problematic internet use.  

Another study of 681 adolescents and their mothers found that mothers could be grouped into four styles of media monitoring and connecting that each had different impacts on their children’s media use and behaviors. Mothers with an active monitoring style and who used media to connect with their child had children who reported less media use in the bedroom and overall. Further, less exposure to aggressive media content was associated with less aggression and more prosocial behavior.  

A third study of 945 adolescents aged 10-18 found that when parents used autonomy-supportive monitoring (eg, gave children some freedom to support their independence) their children were more likely to talk openly about what they do online and less likely to hide it. On the other hand, when parents used controlling monitoring strategies, their children tended to hide what they were doing online. Further, being open about their online activities was associated with more prosocial behaviors, while keeping secrets media was associated with fewer prosocial behaviors and more drama or conflict.  

One final study of 215 parents and their adolescents aged 13-17 found that parents who did not allow their teens autonomy in decision-making were more likely to monitor their teens using parental control apps on their mobile devices. The study also found that teens who were victimized online and had problems with peers were more likely to be monitored by their parents. 

It is important to keep in mind that much of this research was done using only one point in time, meaning that we cannot determine the direction of some of the relationships. For example, it is not clear yet whether teens who engage in riskier behaviors are monitored more frequently by their parents, or whether more monitoring by parents leads to more secretive, and perhaps riskier, behaviors online.  

In summary, active media monitoring includes setting rules, establishing how rules will be monitored, and having consistent consequences tied to those rules. Further, monitoring that grants children increasing opportunities for autonomy or independence over their decisions and behaviors has more positive outcomes than controlling, restrictive media monitoring, particularly as youth get older. It is important to change and tailor parenting approaches over time to account for growing independence and autonomy. This can contribute to positive familial bonds that emphasize trust and open communication.  

In addition to reviewing the recommendations below, the 5 Cs of Media Use – age-based handouts provide information about children’s developmental stages, how this influences media use, and healthy media habits to strive for at home.  

Age-based Recommendations: 

Elementary School Aged Children (~8-10):  

• At this age, research supports more parental monitoring of media use, particularly around setting time and content limits. 
• Co-viewing and co-playing of media (eg, watching a movie together, playing video games together) can strengthen family bonds. It also offers an opportunity for parents to teach children skills such as critical thinking about the content they are seeing and decision-making around healthy use of media. Parents can also model healthy behaviors while co-viewing and co-playing. This skill-building can set up children to think independently later in adolescence.  
• Consider having technological devices (tablets, computers, etc.) in a shared space where monitoring, co-playing, and co-viewing are easier. 
• Communicate early and often! Set the stage for ongoing communication throughout your child’s adolescence.  
• Create a Family Media Plan to establish rules and boundaries for family media use. Make sure all family members are aware of family expectations and guidelines. 

Middle School Aged Children (~10-13) 

• Consider having consistent touchpoints in which you check in with your child about their experiences and feelings. 
• Be open to answering questions and concerns with understanding and compassion. Familial closeness can contribute to healthy uses of media.  
• These Conversation Starters for Families offer a great place to start.   
• Consider reading Common Sense Media’s Parent Guides for tweens and teens, which contain information and guidance around social media, AI, algorithms, and much more.  
• Create or review a Family Media Plan and assess whether changes need to be made. At this age, kids can have input into what they think are good boundaries and rules for the family. They can also be involved in discussions about establishing consequences for rules that are not followed. 
• This is also an age in which children may test boundaries or rules to see which ones “count” and which do not. This is developmentally normal to test these boundaries, but it is also important to ensure that consequences are consistent and fair.  

High School Aged Teens (~14-17) 

• This is likely a time in which many adolescents will seek more independence and autonomy in their decision-making and behaviors. Parenting strategies will often need to shift to account for this. The current research literature supports autonomy-granting, active monitoring. The research also shows that controlling and restrictive monitoring is associated with problematic uses of media and more problematic adolescent behaviors.  
• Have regular check-ins to keep the line of communication open. These Conversation Starters for Families offer a great place to start. 
• Consider reading Common Sense Media’s Parent Guides for tweens and teens, which contain information and guidance around social media, AI, algorithms, and much more.  
• Parents may find it useful to seek out and provide positive feedback on what their teen is doing well. 
• Continually evolving the Family Media Plan to account for more independence and continuing to establish trust would be beneficial. Having input from adolescents is critical to have them buy into following family-based guidelines. 
• Families may consider classes on safe social media use. Visit this prior portal question to learn more: Family Classes on Safe Social Media Use 
• This prior portal question, Setting Social Media Limits with Your Teen, may be one to visit if interested in working with teens on social media limits. 

Young Adulthood (Ages 18 and beyond) 

• This is a time in which an adolescent will have a lot of independence, and parents can provide support as needed. Continuing to support their autonomy will likely lead to positive outcomes for the adolescent.  
• Consider offering to collaborate on problem-solving or decision-making.  
• Continue watching and playing media together to strengthen relationships.    

References 

• Barry, C. T., & Kim, H. (2024). Parental monitoring of adolescent social media use: relations with adolescent mental health and self-perception. Current Psychology, 43(3), 2473-2485.  
• Gentile, D. A., Reimer, R. A., Nathanson, A. I., Walsh, D. A., & Eisenmann, J. C. (2014). Protective effects of parental monitoring of children’s media use: A prospective study. JAMA pediatrics, 168(5), 479-484.  
• Ghosh, A. K., Badillo-Urquiola, K., Rosson, M. B., Xu, H., Carroll, J. M., & Wisniewski, P. J. (2018, April). A matter of control or safety? Examining parental use of technical monitoring apps on teens' mobile devices. In Proceedings of the 2018 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems (pp. 1-14).  
• Hernandez, J. M., Ben-Joseph, E. P., Reich, S., & Charmaraman, L. (2024). Parental monitoring of early adolescent social technology use in the US: a mixed-method study. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 33(3), 759-776.  
• Padilla-Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., Kroff, S. L., & Memmott-Elison, M. K. (2018). The protective role of parental media monitoring style from early to late adolescence. Journal of youth and adolescence, 47(2), 445-459.   
• Padilla-Walker, L. M., Stockdale, L. A., & McLean, R. D. (2020). Associations between parental media monitoring, media use, and internalizing symptoms during adolescence. Psychology of popular media, 9(4), 481. 
• Padilla-Walker, L. M., Stockdale, L. A., Son, D., Coyne, S. M., & Stinnett, S. C. (2020). Associations between parental media monitoring style, information management, and prosocial and aggressive behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 180-200.  
• Schwarz-Torres, J. C., Davis, I. S., Thornburg, M. A., Patel, H., Aks, I. R., Tapert, S. F., ... & Pelham III, W. E. (2025). How can clinicians improve parental monitoring of adolescents? A content review of manualized interventions. Evidence-Based Practice in Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 10(1), 162-174.  
• Young, R., & Tully, M. (2022). Autonomy vs. control: Associations among parental mediation, perceived parenting styles, and U. S. adolescents’ risky online experiences. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 16(2), Article 5.  

Age: 8-24 

Topics: Parental monitoring, independent decision-making 

Role: Youth