Supporting Mindful Technology Use

Question: What should I do if my child seems to never fully be present anymore with me and our family? He is always on his phone, usually texting or on Instagram. Is there anything I can do to help?

Answer: It can be difficult for children (and adults!) to practice mindful technology behaviors in a world where notifications and being constantly connected to devices, social media, and email are the norm. Building this awareness is about being conscious of what content you are consuming, the features that may be sticky and keeping you on longer, and reflecting on what sort of impact the technology use is having on your mental health and wellbeing. 

Let’s dive into two practices that might help us to be more present: mindfulness and solitude. 

What are Mindfulness and Solitude?

Solitude

Solitude is the state of being alone (not physically with another person). A person’s need for solitude and what it looks like develops and changes from early childhood, where solitary play is important for development, to adulthood, where solitude is a time for self-care, self-growth, autonomy building and more. 

One study of adolescents identified three distinct groups by the kinds of solitary activities that they usually do:

• The largest group reported that they engage passively (what we might call “vegging” or relaxing) in front of TV or other technology (53%) or did homework alone. 
• Teens in the second largest group (32%) spent time on active forms of technology (e.g., social media use and video games), as well as hobbies, homework, and listening to music. 
• The smallest group, or only 15% of adolescents in the same study, relaxed during alone time by engaging with their own thoughts or daydreams. 

Interestingly, for those who spent solitary time in “passive screen time,” which included watching TV, YouTube, Netflix, and using the Internet, boys reported feeling more positive emotions during solitude, while girls tended to report more negative emotions and loneliness during solitude. 

Mindfulness  

Research describes mindfulness as a mental space of awareness and attention to the present moment, which offers an opportunity for mindful solitude: a way of being that encourages individuals to slow down and notice things from a new perspective.

If you find that your child is “mindlessly scrolling”, or is having a negative experience on social media, research has found that mindfulness interventions can be beneficial. Encouraging mindfulness practices is one way to help them to be aware of their thoughts and feelings in the present moment. (In contrast, often technology use is habit-driven and automatic, so that we are not engaging our minds fully). 

Mindfulness practices are important for youth because they can help them manage stress or regulate their emotions and help them develop a positive outlook on life. Examples of mindfulness practices for phone use include:  

• Having conversations about how social media makes you feel and what you like or dislike about it. 
• Setting reminders to take breaks, being reflective of what activities you partake in while on your phone. 
• Questioning yourself on why you need to go on your phone.  
• Paying attention to how you feel before, during, and after being on your phone. 

What Parents Can Do: 

• Model mindfulness. As a parent, it might be helpful to reflect on your own mobile device usage to ensure that you are modeling self-control. Reflect on how you can be more mindful about your phone use and talk to your child about how you’re trying to put the phone down and do other activities. Research has shown that kids are likely to pick up on parents’ problematic media use behaviors and benefit when parents are transparent about their own struggles with social media. Teens also tend to be more receptive to technology rules in the home when parents follow them as well.  
• Provide time for and encourage solitude for your child. 
  
  • For younger children, solitary play is essential for developing their own ideas, imagination, and how to self-regulate when things go wrong – not just following what an adult or video game tells them what to do. Solitary play also relieves social stresses. Instead of focusing on the amount of time spent alone, focus on the activity that the child is doing while alone. 
  • Quality time alone is usually intrinsically motivated among adolescents, meaning that they decide on their own time when they would like to enter solitude (e.g. watch a movie because their “social battery” is low) or when they want to exit solitude (e.g. spend time with friends as a break from homework). As adolescents are preparing for future adulthood and exploring greater independence, it is important to allow them the alone time required to observe, process, and resolve thoughts and feelings about themselves, their future selves, and their relationships.  
• Think about practicing mindfulness together with your family. Exercises created to help parents and young children experience calmness include balloon breaths, starfish breathing, and using all five senses to focus on the present moment. For older children and teens, activities include listening to music, being in nature, making art or music, or meditation. 
• Help your child set time limit reminders on their frequently used apps or the phone itself. Instagram has a “Daily Limit” feature that could help your child know when their self-imposed limit is up. Other platforms like TikTok have a time limiting setting where the user can set up time limits, breaks, or sleep reminders. YouTube offers a time limit setting tool, although this is specific to YouTube Kids. See if it is displacing something they used to love to do (play outside with friends, the dog, with baseball cards, etc.). Support your child’s passions and interests as they are learning how to develop their own sense of self-control.  
• Have open-minded conversations about media use. If your teenager’s media usage is disrupting family time, impeding their homework and school focus, and/or decreasing their time to feel calm and undistracted, talk about these concerns in an open-minded way. The Mental Health Coalition (MHC) offers conversation starters to kickstart discussions about technology between caregivers and teens. Ask them: 
  
  • Who do you follow on social media? What do you like about their posts? 
  • Can you show me your favorite channel or influencer? 
  • What do you like about maintaining friendships online? 
  • How do you feel after spending time on social media? 
  • What don’t you like about social media?  

What Children/Teens Can Do: 

• Bring awareness to your phone and social media use. Acknowledge your emotions; it’s ok if they’re more so negative than positive. Instead of judging how you’re feeling, try to identify that emotion and explore things you can do that may help. If something online is bothering you often, or if you consistently feel bad after using social media or being on your phone, then practicing mindfulness can give you a reality check. 
• Take a mindful approach when using your phone and social media. Mindfulness practices may be effective in leading teens to partake in media use positively. These practices involve attention, intention, and attitude. Attention is recognizing one’s internal and external experience with media in the present moment. Intention reveals the purpose or “why” of phone use or social media use. Attitude includes being accepting, trusting, patient, curious, and kind.
  • Pause before unlocking your phone and consider what you have the urge to look at; scroll more slowly.
  • Set phone reminders to do chores during a time when you’re usually alone and on your phone.
  • When you’re on your phone, what are you actually doing? Why do you gravitate toward your phone, and in what situations do you find yourself using it the most?
  • Pay attention to not only what you’re doing on your device but also how it makes you feel before, during, and after. Are you stressed, energized, excited, upset? Are you bored?
  • How has phone use or social media use negatively impacted your life? If you want to change your usage, what would you do and why? 
• Take a break and go offline. Exercising outside, reading, and napping/resting are solitary activities that can be rejuvenating and recharging. Notice how you’re feeling when you’re off technology and interacting with others in person. What offline activities feel the most fun and restorative to you? 

References

• Cheever, N. A., Rosen, L. D. , Carrier, L. M., and Chavez, A. (2014). Out of sight is not out of mind: The impact of restricting wireless mobile device use on anxiety levels among low, moderate and high users. Computers in Human Behavior, 37, 290–297. 
• Clayton, R. B, Leshner, G. , and Almond, A. (2015). The extended iSelf: The impact of iPhone separation on cognition, emotion, and physiology. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 20(2), 119–135.   
• Coplan, R.J., Hipson, W.E. & Bowker, J.C. Social Withdrawal and Aloneliness in Adolescence: Examining the Implications of Too Much and Not Enough Solitude. J Youth Adolescence 50, 1219–1233 (2021).  
• Diefenbach, S., & Borrmann, K. (2019). The smartphone as a pacifier and its consequences: Young adults’ smartphone usage in moments of solitude and correlations to self-reflection. In 2019 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems Proceedings (CHI 2019), May 4-9, 2019, Glasgow, Scotland, UK. ACM, New York. Paper 206, 14 pages.
• Hipson, W. E., Coplan, R. J., Dufour, M., Watanabe, L. K., Wood, K. R., & Bowker, J. C. (2021). Time alone well spent? A person-oriented analysis of adolescents’ solitary activities. Soc Dev. 30: 1114-30. 
• Jones, A., Hook, M., Podduturi, P., McKeen, H., Beitzell, E., & Liss, M. (2022). Mindfulness as a mediator in the relationship between social media engagement and depression in young adults. Personality and Individual Differences, 185, 111284. 
• Leavitt, C. E., Butzer, B., Clarke, R. W., & Dvorakova, K. (2021). Intentional solitude and mindfulness. The Handbook of Solitude, 340–350.   
• McVarnock, A., Cheng, T., Polakova, L., & Coplan, R. J. (2023). Are you alone? Measuring solitude in childhood, adolescence, and emerging adulthood. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 1179677. 
• Nguyen,  T.  V.  T.,  Weinstein,  N.,  and  Ryan,  R.  M.  (2021).  “The  possibilities  of  aloneness  and  solitude:  developing  an  understanding  framed  through  the  lens   of   human   motivation   and   needs,”   in   The   Handbook   of   Solitude:   Psychological  Perspectives  on  Social  Isolation,  Social  Withdrawal,  and  Being  Alone.  eds.  R.  J.  Coplan,  J.  C.  Bowker,  and  L.  J.  Nelson  (USA:  John  Wiley  &  Sons,  Inc.),  224–239
• Thomas, V., Balzer Carr, B., Azmitia, M., & Whittaker, S. (2021). Alone and online: Understanding the relationships between social media, solitude, and psychological adjustment: Psychology of Popular Media. Psychology of Popular Media, 10(2), 201–211. 
• Thorsteinsson, G. and Page, T. (2014). User attachment to smartphones and design guidelines. International Journal of Mobile Learning and Organization, 8(3), 201–215. 
• Weaver, J. L., & Swank, J. M. (2019). Mindful Connections: A Mindfulness-Based Intervention for Adolescent Social Media Users. Journal of Child and Adolescent Counseling, 5(2), 103–112. 

Age: 13-17

Topics: solitude, mindfulness, social media use, smartphone, aloneness, attachment 

Role: Parent