Talking To Your Child About Online Pornography Exposure

Question: At what age do you talk to your child about online pornography exposure and how to do so in a way that is developmentally appropriate. Also, what safeguards should families put on devices to avoid accidental exposures to inappropriate content?

Answer: Unintentional exposure to pornographic images and videos online becomes more common in the teen years. Through surveys, we know that about 15% of kids report that they first saw pornography under age 11 and 20-38% of kids aged 11-17 years old report seeing pornography online in the last year. Therefore, you should start talking to kids about the fact that they may sometimes see disturbing things online when they are starting to use the internet independently (usually around elementary school age). You can keep the conversation more general, such as “the internet is a really big place, and sometimes you can run into gross, mean, upsetting, or sexy stuff (depending on the age of your child, you may want to define or clarify “sexy” as adult or inappropriate content that could include images or video of naked people or private parts) – if this happens, you can always come talk to me about it, and you won’t be in trouble.” Kids underreport porn exposure to their parents, likely out of embarrassment, so it’s good to set the expectation that they can come to you.

What Parents Can Do:

• First, recognize that while pornography is one of many inappropriate things kids can find online, it is the one that parents probably dread talking about the most! So use this as an opportunity to let your kids know that they can come to you about anything disturbing or upsetting that they see online.
• It helps to check your own reaction and not blame, shame, or punish kids for viewing pornography or pretend it didn’t happen. Studies have shown that teens with worse parent-child relationships and parents who have more of an authoritarian (“my way or the highway”) style are more likely to intentionally seek out porn, so it can help to not overreact or make your child feel ashamed.
• Look into ways to put filters or blocks on adult content on devices. Although we couldn’t find any research that this protects kids from porn exposure, it is better than having your child’s device open to everything!

Resources to Explore:

• Talking about sex feels uncomfortable for lots of parents – but it is important to know that communicating about sexual development with kids is not the same as giving them a “green light” to have sex! In fact, adolescents who rate their communication with parents positively are less likely to be sexually active. Here are some good tips for how to talk with children about sex in developmentally appropriate ways.
• This is a great blog written by Brown clinical psychology researcher Jacqueline Nesi PhD, who encourages parents to use the acronym SEX ED to guide conversations with children. S – set the scene, ask questions, provide a definition. E – encourage further conversation, normalize curiosity, remind them they can talk to you. X – eXpress your values about sex and porn. E – educate, tell them that porn is not realistic or a good way to learn about sex. D – Direct to other resources (books, podcasts, websites). She includes talking points for each letter of the acronym SEX ED and how to go about each part.
• Common sense media article on what parents can say when their young child sees pornography.
• Culture Reframed is an organization that provide information about educating children about pornography exposure, responding to your child when they are exposed to porn, and many more resources about online exploitation.

Age: 6-11, middle childhood, late childhood, early adolescence

Topics: Pornography

Role: Parent/Caregiver