Talking To Your Spouse About Their Digital Media Use

Question: What can parents do when they have a spouse that has a very “not healthy” lifestyle around digital use? 

Answer: To begin, it might be helpful to review this previous post on the impact parental use of digital media has on children and why parents may not be aware of this impact.  

Parents are going to vary in how aware or concerned they are about their media and phone use habits, how motivated they are to change and some may resist major changes that take away the fun and exciting part of their digital life. For these reasons, talking to a partner about media use when they don’t think it’s a problem can be a tricky conversation to have.  

Collaborative problem solving may be a good way for parents to work together towards more balanced media use. Collaborative problem solving is an evidence-based approach that focuses on understanding and addressing the root causes of challenging behaviors. Its key principles are empathy, collaboration and skill-building. The steps are: 

• Find a good time to talk (not when everyone’s tired and cranky) and ask the other person for permission (e.g., “can we talk about how much media we use in our family?”). This will help build a collaborative and supportive environment and may help the person be more receptive. 
• Start the conversation with empathy. Don’t lead with accusations. Ask your partner about their current feelings and concerns around digital media use, with questions like: 
  • How are you doing with your workload? I know you have to deal with a lot of emails. What would you rather be doing after dinner? 
  • I’ve noticed that you’re playing video games longer and not sleeping as much. What’s up? 
  • Did you hear about the Surgeon General’s advice about social media? What did you think about that? 
• Share your concerns with them about the importance of having healthy media habits for their family and their own mental health, without blaming or shaming language. Let them respond with their own perspective. 
• Brainstorm together ways that healthier digital media use practices can be implemented in the home. You may think about breaking it into smaller tasks at first, rather than one big change from the get-go. You’ll also want to plan something positive to do during times when you are not using media. Options might include:  
  • Not using tech in the car or at the dinner table and talking about the day instead. 
  • 1-2 nights per week when your partner won’t check email at all, so you can spend time together.  
• If the discussion turns into an argument, don’t argue back -- let it go and hopefully you’ve planted a seed that you can come back to another time. 

It can be hard to change a behavior that is habit-driven, and not something people are particularly aware of. Just building insight into one’s relationship with their phone is a good first step!  

Resources for Parents 

• HealthyChildren.org recommends creating a Family Media Plan to facilitate discussion around safe and practical media use that works for a family’s specific needs. 
• The Family Dinner Project has several guides for facilitating family conversations about technology use during meal times. These can help parents & kids communicate and connect around technology use: 
  • How to Talk to Teens About Social Media - The Family Dinner Project  
  • Talking to Kids About Technology - The Family Dinner Project  
• Common Sense Media - has content around co-viewing, and tips for being a role model. 
  • Consider subscribing to their newsletter for content like “Family Tech Tips,” from their recent one: “Be a role model: Start noticing and acknowledging moments when you're distracted by your own device and model the behavior you'd like to see in your kids.” 
• RaisingChildren.net is an Australian parenting website that has advice on how parents can model healthy technology use around their kids.  
  • Parents, screen time and digital technology use: role-modeling for children

Age: 0-17, early childhood, middle childhood, early adolescence, middle adolescence, late adolescence 

Topics: Parent social media use, technoference, healthy parenting 

Role: Parent